Reposting this before I forgot that I had it on password-protect. Sorry. –pm3

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Although HaNeul made clear from the introductory narration that “ambivalence” was the theme of the episode, I think we were shown how this “ambivalence” converted into a “some” between her and JungWoo.

Here’s her monologue.

HaNeul: Six years of college. A year as an intern. Four years as a resident. Three years as a fellow. I worked like a dog seven days a week. In the end, I was left with an illness of the mind. On some days, all I wanted to do was just lie down like this. On other days, I was motivated to do something. And on some days, I think “From now on, let’s live for myself.” But on other days, everything just seems futile. Then, there were days when I wanted to work again. They were also days when I wanted to stay unemployed. “Ambivalence.” “The state of having contradictory feelings. Depression forms a defense mechanism. To squeeze out serotonin and dopamine to make you happy, you feel a desire to overcome depression and to give up at the same time. So even it feels like you’ll be in despair forever, within that despair, hope can sometimes arise. I don’t know what to do with my mind and heart either.

The funny thing about this ambivalence is that I don’t think she was ambivalent at all about confronting JungWoo the following day. It’s clear to me that she went on a jog early in the morning expressly to meet him and talk about two things, namely, their hug the previous night and his illness.

He was willing to put the hug incident out of his mind without a word because he knew that she wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But she maintained that she was aware of her actions.

JungWoo: It’s okay. You already told me how you weren’t all there these days. I know that’s why.
HaNeul: It’s not though. I hugged you yesterday because my heart told me to.

For sure, she exhibited no ambivalence when she said that.

She then cut to the chase.

HaNeul: I have so much I want to say. But I’ll put aside my feelings and ask this first. You’re suffering from PTSD, aren’t you?

She then reeled off her observations, like his nightmares, and his feelings of guilt and anxiety, to prove his PTSD. She reassured him that it wasn’t his fault.

HaNeul: It wasn’t your fault. It was just an accident, and it was likely the patient’s mistake –
JungWoo: Still, I keep thinking about it.
HaNeul: (blurting) You should’ve told me. I was the only one always letting it out and being comforted. I had no idea that you were in pain. I even asked like a fool if you cared about me. Jeez.

To me, her outburst was one sign of her ambivalence. Although she initially stated that she’d put aside her feelings, her talk about his PTSD circled back to her feelings of distress that she missed all the signs of his PTSD. One minute, she was zeroing in on his emotions, then the next minute, she got sidetracked and was complaining about her feelings. She couldn’t seem to help making it all about her.

HaNeul: (switching again) You’re free today, right? I need you to come with me.
JungWoo: (confused) To where?

HaNeul went about her agenda for the day to cure him of his insomnia.

She chose wine for him to help him sleep at night. She got him new pajamas so he could sleep better. Then, she made them wash his bed sheets together to improve his sleep quality. Her tone had been businesslike and professional until she switched gears again and confessed – out of the blue — that she liked him.

HaNeul: If you don’t wash your bedding often, you’ll breed dust mites and it’ll lower your sleep quality. If you wash it thoroughly and dry it under the sun, it’ll be nice and soft to help you sleep better.
Jungwoo: I see. Okay.
HaNeul: Also, I think I’ve become interested in you.
JungWoo: (slipping) Huh?
HaNeul: My goodness!
JungWoo: I mean, couldn’t you have found a better time to say something like that?
HaNeul: To be honest, I’m confused too. Just like how we’re prone to infections when our immune system is weak, my mind’s in a weakened state. Maybe that’s why I was easily infected by you.
JungWoo: (indignant) Are you saying being interested in me is like being “infected”?

We’ve seen this trope often enough. Being infatuated is always considered a malady in romcoms but since our two characters are doctors, their attempt at self-diagnosis and self-treatment sounded cogent.

HaNeul: (defensive) I don’t know! I’m not sure if I’m interested or infected. Anyway, it feels strange. It’s much stronger than just friendship. But it’s too early to say I have feelings for you.
JungWoo: (smiling at her cuteness)
HaNeul: That’s just how I feel. But I should just put it on hold, right?

He smiled because he began to understand how her brain worked.

source: xianlanhua’s tumblr

The fact that she was asking him meant that she felt ambivalent about their situation. On one hand, I’m sure she wanted affirmation that her feelings for him were reciprocated. But on the other hand, she knew she shouldn’t impose on him as he wasn’t in the “right place” to worry about his feelings for her.

JungWoo: What?
HaNeul: (explaining) You have a lot of things to take care of before my feelings. Your hearing is in two days. And you owe 3.8 billion won in debt.
JungWoo: It’s 3.7 billion, not 3.8. I paid some of it off after selling my clinic, so I only owe 560 million won now.
HaNeul: Anyways you’re suffering from PTSD, too. I think you should figure out those issues first. So, let’s discuss our feelings later.
JungWoo: Sure.

Since JungWoo accepted her suggestion to postpone their heart-to-heart talk, she didn’t expect him to bring up his feelings for her.

JungWoo: About what I said yesterday…about how I missed you…I meant it.
HaNeul: (shocked)

I laughed when she accidentally let go of the bedsheet and it nearly smashed his crotch.
HaNeul: (wondering to herself) Why is he telling me this right now?
JungWoo: To be honest, things are really tough. But I’m hanging in there thanks to you. So just wait for me a little bit. Let’s see if this is just a strong friendship, an infection due to a weak immune system, or some other feeling. Whatever it may be, I want to be ready first.
HaNeul: (nodding)
JungWoo: (nodding back) Hold tight now, I’m going to wring it hard now.

That’s how HaNeul and JungWoo’s “some” (썸) relationship began. It was born from ambivalence, or to be more precise, from ambiguous feelings.

I talked about “some” here. This was my definition of “some.”

It’s a relationship status when the couple have moved from just being friends but haven’t declared that they’re exclusively dating each other. Because it’s an interim stage between singledom and couplehood, it’s often marked by confusion, ambiguity and frustration. The female lead in “Love is for Suckers” adamantly opposes it because she hates a) the feeling of being kept on tenterhooks, and b) the lack of commitment. But the male lead thinks she should move with the times.

The word “some” came from the English word “something” as in “there may be something there that wasn’t there before.”

I first heard of the word in 2014 when the song “Some” by Soyou and Junggigo became a hit.

At first, HaNeul and Jungwoo welcomed the “some” because it gave them breathing space to determine whether they were on the right track and direction to become a couple. They didn’t want to rush into dating each other given their circumstances.

However, like in all “some” relationships in kdramas, the crossed wires, insecurities, and petty jealousy make good fodder for comedy. Here’s a short list of the funny scenes in this episode stemming from their “some.”

1. When she rushed to the rooftop because he invited her to play Go-Stop

HaNeul: What is it? Are you okay?
JungWoo: About what?
HaNeul: Didn’t you have a nightmare?
JungWoo: No.
HaNeul: Then, why ask me to play cards?
JungWoo: I just wanted to hang out.
HaNeul: What?! You little… Hey, I take it back. I’m not interested in you anymore. Jeez.

She assumed that he was just testing to see if she was at his beck and call because she professed to like him.

JungWoo: I’ll go see a psychiatrist. I’ll go.

That’s the real reason he wanted to see her. She told him that he shouldn’t feel pressured to go because of her. He admitted that he considered going, but it was difficult for him to admit needing help.

JungWoo: But…I think I could go if you came with me.
HaNeul: What” You’re old enough to see a doctor by yourself.
JungWoo: Is that a no then?
HaNeul: Fine.
JungWoo: Then, let’s grab some food afterward.
HaNeul: Fine.
JungWoo: Don’t take back being interested in me.

source: xiaolanhua’s tumblr

HaNeul: We’ll see about that! You didn’t have a nightmare, so I won’t play cards. (muttering to herself) I shouldn’t have rushed over. How embarrassing.

See that? In a “some,” it’s embarrassing to be that person with the “stronger” attachment.

2. When she mistook the songs that JungWoo was singing at the karaoke as his love declaration

I explained this already. Nam HaNeul means “southern sky.” Her name sounded like “naman-eul” which means “only me.” In the first song, JungWoo was singing something like, “Only me. You said you only love me.” She thought he was saying her name, “HaNeul. I said I love HaNeul.”

In the second song, JungWoo was singing “Introduce me to somebody who will genuinely love only me,” but she thought he was singing, “genuinely love HaNeul.”

She was convinced that he was trying to confess his feelings covertly. But I can’t blame the girl really since he explicitly told her that he wanted to sing a song for her. She didn’t understand that he was merely stopping her from getting into a fight with little kids at the arcade.

3. When he protested that she took back her feelings for him so easily

JungWoo: It seems like you mistook my singing for confessing my love.
HaNeul: That’s not true. I was just joking.
JungWoo: I beg to differ. I think you misunderstood.
HaNeul: Seriously, I said I didn’t. You’re being so childish teasing me right now. I take it back! I take back being interested in you.

She said, “chwi-so-ya.” Literally, it means “it’s cancelled” or “I revoke what I said.”

JungWoo: You’re always saying that you take it back. Hey, how come your interest is so shallow? Why is it so fickle?
HaNeul: What are you talking about?

Insecurity is part and parcel of a “some,” too. A person like JungWoo is worried that the girl may “just” care for him as a friend, and not as a lover. It doesn’t help that HaNeul keeps threatening to “cancel” her feelings for him whenever she gets embarrassed.

4. When the 3rd-ranked classmate appeared out of nowhere

Since they were in a “some,” the encounter became awkward quickly.

3rd-ranked: Unbelievable! I can’t believe I ran into you two here. I never imagined you two would’ve stayed in touch.
HaNeul: We live in the same neighborhood, and we ran into each other.

She had no choice but to lie since they weren’t in an official relationship.

Then, when the 3rd-ranked student showed interest in JungWoo, HaNeul had to feign indifference. To give JungWoo credit, he tried to shine light on her contribution to his lawsuit.

3rd-ranked: Medication that thins the blood? I heard the patient had been taking it for a long time. And you found a case with a similar cause of death from similar medicine. Then, won’t you have an advantage in this hearing?
JungWoo: You must’ve watched a lot of news. (seeing HaNeul’s stormy face) Right. HaNeul was the one who found that dissertation.
HaNeul: (preening)
3rd-ranked: (dismissive) The truth would’ve been revealed even without it. Because truth always prevails.
JungWoo: (uncomfortable)
3rd-ranked: Also, I never doubted you.
JungWoo: (distancing himself) Thanks for believing in me. Former classmates are the best.
3rd-ranked: We weren’t just classmates.
JungWoo: What?
3rd-ranked: We used to be interested in each other.

source: xiaolanhua’s tumblr

Then, the 3rd-ranked student went on and on about how attentive JungWoo was to her back in high school. HaNeul had no choice but to sit through the 3rd-ranked classmate’s walk down memory lane.

That’s the other problem about “some” relationships.

It’s easy to suspect the other person (usually the guy) of being a player. After that coffee encounter, HaNeul had convinced herself that JungWoo had no intention of entering a serious, committed relationship with her because he preferred the 3rd-ranked classmate to her. She assumed that he was the wrong person for her because of the way he treated her badly in high school.

source: xiaolanhua’s tumblr

Fortunately, at the end of this episode, she sorted out her ambivalent feelings for him. She gave him dumplings as an olive branch.

HaNeul: I always had beer and my uncle’s dumplings whenever I was stressed.
JungWoo: Are you stressed right now too? You’re angry because of the classmate we met.
HaNeul: I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m angry. I was just jealous.
JungWoo: (choking on her bluntness)
HaNeul: I’m interested in you but I heard you two liked each other. I saw you holding hands, and I hated it. This was my first time feeling jealous. It wasn’t beautiful at all.
JungWoo: So what’ll you do? You feel bad, so you’ll take back being interested again?
HaNeul: No, not really. It’s just difficult. We learned about ambivalence. It’s when contradictory feelings coexist. That’s how I feel now. I’m struggling so I’m taking medication and a break from work. But I keep thinking of you, and I worry about you. Plus, I was consumed by jealousy. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m not exactly sure.

The “some” wasn’t a big help either since it only increased her anxiety.

JungWoo: I feel the same way. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t control my feelings. I have a ton of things I want to tell you but I’m holding myself back.
HaNeul: What are all the things you want to tell me?
JungWoo: Just some things.
HaNeul: Come on, what are they? Just tell me one of them.
JungWoo: I like you.
HaNeul: (dropping her dumpling)
JungWoo: Hey, don’t throw that away!
HaNeul: I didn’t. I just swooned…I mean, I was startled.
JungWoo: I mean it. I’m only able to stay strong thanks to you. You’re like a drug someone prescribed for me. I didn’t see a doctor despite having PTSD. Maybe it was because of you. Maybe I didn’t go because you’d help me get back on my feet every time. Once these troubles are resolved, then I’ll confess my love for you properly. Not at an arcade or at karaoke.
HaNeul: (speechless)
JungWoo: (mussing up her hair)
HaNeul: What in the world? Did you think that would make me swoon?

source: xiaolanhua’s tumblr

That’s how a “some” is ended. By confessing one’s feelings, the couple level up their relationship. JungWoo was no longer ambivalent about the way he regarded her. He was just telling her to wait until his lawsuit was resolved, so he could confess properly.

Gotta go.