Chapter 18. Captivated. The taste of first love
Featured Object: Roller skates

To understand Sang Zhi’s feelings about intimacy, it’s best to start in the middle when she had her girl talk with her agony “aunt,” Weiwei. The latter found out that Sang Zhi studied at Jiaxu’s apartment and spent hours alone together for hours.

WW: Now tell me. (makes kissing sounds) Did you two kiss?
SZ: (seriously) Weiwei…
WW: Don’t tell me. He made the move, right? (without waiting for answer) I knew it! Older guys surely are more experienced!

Weiwei’s wrong on two counts. One, this older guy isn’t experienced with women. He’s only experienced when dealing with one girl, Sang Zhi. And two, she’s getting herself worked up over nothing. Literally, nothing. Sang Zhi fobbed him off every time he tried to get close to her.

SZ: Weiwei. I want to ask you something.
WW: What is it?
SZ: When you and Chen Qiang have intimate moments, do you get nervous?

Weiwei laughs at that silly question. As to be expected, it was Chen Qiang who was nervous in the beginning.

WW: Wait a minute. Don’t tell me you were nervous.
SZ: I was nervous. I guess I might look when I get nervous. I even explained it in case he misunderstood. I told him it wasn’t that I dislike it. (covering her eyes) But I still think that he…

By “it,” she means physical intimacy or “skinship.”

WW: I don’t think he would misunderstand. But when a couple are together, they should get along as usual. There’s no need to be so cautious. But if everything needs an explanation, it can get annoying over time.

She redeems herself; she’s right on three counts. One, Jiaxu understood Sang Zhi when she explained that she was nervous. That’s the reason he formally asked her if he could hold her hand on their walk home. Two, when a couple are together, *some* sort of intimate encounter (or “making out”) is natural. And three, in real life, prolonged awkwardness may be mistaken as a sign of disinterest, rejection, and/or dysfunction.

WW: (coming up with a brilliant idea) But then again, are you nervous out of habit?
SZ: What do you mean?
WW: Aren’t you always afraid that he’ll find out that you’ve liked him for a long time?
SZ: Mmmm. There’s a possibility.
WW: But you two are together now. It’s common for normal couples to have physical contact when they spend time together. Besides, Sangsang, I don’t think you’re that timid. Hmmm??
SZ: I don’t know if you’re complimenting or mocking me.
WW: I’m encouraging you. You should enjoy being in a relationship. Savor the process of being in love. Of course, this process includes physical contact. Got it?

Three comments:

a. This is where we get one of the allusions to the title, “Taste of first love.” The “taste” of first love should be savored.

b. Sang Zhi reflects on the physical contact that Jiaxu attempted that day. He pulled her into an embrace after she told him to leave the room. She was adamant that she was there only to study. While they were washing dishes, she tensed up when he simply moved her hair to one side. He teased her if she would like to see some exciting action in bed together, she shoved him away and called him, “naughty.” Afterwards, he only kissed her forehead.

c. She worries (needlessly) that Jiaxu might have taken her lack of enthusiasm for his physical advances as a sign that she wasn’t into physical intimacy. That couldn’t be further from the truth. She would like to have skinship with him. But after years of behaving discreetly in case she slipped up and showed him that she was crazy about him, it’s understandable that she feels self-conscious about physical contact. She’s still nervous that if she doesn’t hold herself back, she’ll shock HIM with her brazenness and naughtiness. Lol.

SZ: (worrying) But I’ve already reacted that way. Won’t he read into it?
WW: Read into it? How about this? You can take the initiative and show him through your actions that you don’t dislike it. You actually quite like it.
SZ: I think this could work. (reasoning out loud) We’re already dating. I’m his girlfriend. So intimate gestures are normal. There’s nothing to be nervous about.

And she texts Jiaxu to plan a date on Saturday.

Let’s keep the reason behind her nervousness when we take a second look at her taste of first love.

1. His and her jealousy

This is one of the cutest episodes. Jiaxu is approached by a female stranger who asks him for directions. He answers in a straightforward manner but it seems like the question is just a ploy to get his Wechat number. He gives Sang Zhi a quick look. By the way she pretends not to see him, he can tell that she isn’t happy. He apologizes to the stranger and pointedly mentions his girlfriend.

DJ: Sorry. If my girlfriend finds out, I’ll be dead meat.

He warily approaches Sang Zhi.

DJ: Are you angry?
SZ: No. (changing topic) Drink it.
DJ: (studying her face) If not, why won’t you look at me? And you’re even pouting.
SZ: It’s just a WeChat request. Why would I be angry? (still avoiding his eyes)
DJ: Are you really not angry?
SZ: No.
DJ: Are you jealous?
SZ: No.
DJ: Seeing you like this, I thought you were jealous. Are you really not jealous?
SZ: (sulkily) I am. Just now, I saw you flirting with her.
DJ: Me? How did I flirt with her?

It’s the way he pointed the direction with a head nod. She thinks it’s flirtatious because he could have just directed the girl with an expressionless face. He’s flabbergasted.

SZ: I’m not talking to you. (leaving in a huff)

His chance to exonerate himself arrives sooner than expected. A man approaches Sang Zhi in the convenience store while he’s paying for their grocery. He wants to add her to his WeChat. She fends him off with a wave of her hand.

SZ: Sorry, I have a boyfriend.

Jiaxu approaches her unsmilingly. She realizes that he saw the whole interaction and tries to appease him.

SZ: That watermelon looks pretty good.
DJ: (ignoring her) Let’s go.
SZ: What’s wrong? Why are you angry?
DJ: (avoiding her eyes) No.
SZ: Are you jealous?
DJ: How’s that possible? It’s just a WeChat request. Why should I be angry? (not looking at her)

SZ knows what he’s up to. He’s parroting what she told him earlier.

SZ: Wait. I didn’t give it to him.
DJ: But I saw you flirting with him just now.
SZ: When did I flirt with him just now? He didn’t even ask for directions.
DJ: You did this to him.

And he waves his hand prettily, like Sang Zhi did.

DJ: What was that?
SZ: I said, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.”
DJ: What do you have?
SZ: A boyfriend.
DJ: Present!

He’s only pretending to be upset to get his point across that Sang Zhi had no need be jealous ever. What I like about his strategy is that he reassured her that jealousy is unnecessary while also validating her jealous feelings. He didn’t brush her feelings aside or ridicule them. Instead, he demonstrated that innocent actions could be misconstrued but she could trust that he would never forget that he was her boyfriend, just like he trusted her to always remember that she was his girlfriend.

2. Nervousness #1

SZ: Jiaxu Ge, what will you be doing while I study.
DJ: I will just be sitting here.
SZ: You’ll just be sitting here?
DJ: I want to look at you more.

Then, she does something surprising. She sticks her face in front of his and closes her eyes. She moves her head left and right.

Note: This is where “Captivated” from the title comes from. Zhao Lusi is captivating here.

SZ: Is that enough for you? If you don’t leave, I won’t be able to focus.

Lol. All she wants him to do is to take a good look at her face from all sides then leave her in peace. But how can he have peace after she thrusts her face in front of him? She has no idea how provocative she looks. I don’t know how he could have resisted kissing her.

He stands up and pulls her in for a tight embrace.

I’m sorry but this looks like a cheesy pose from a romance book novel.

source: harlequin blog

Lol.

DJ: Can’t I stay here without saying a word?
SZ: You said you won’t get in the way of my studies.
DJ: All right then. You’re such a cruel girlfriend.

My comments:

a. Because we already know her reason for nervousness, we can see her hesitation in a new light. Yes, she would have liked him to stay there with her, but she wouldn’t be able to focus on her studies. Yes, she wanted to hug him back, but if she did, she might not stop just at hugging. She would want to kiss him, too – just like she did at the skating rink.

b. She knows that first love is intense and heady. She exercises caution because she’s used to controlling her feelings around him.

c. Lol. In a way, she outdid Xiao Nai of “Love O2O.” She’s been enrolled in the Department of Self-Control for more than two years.

d. But Jiaxu did well, too. He stopped, and wasn’t upset about it.

3. Nervousness #2

He cooks their lunch and lets her in a roundabout way that she’s the first girl he’s cooked for.

SZ: Jiaxu Ge. I think your cooking is really delicious.
DJ: Do you like it?
SZ: Mmm.
DJ: Not just anyone gets to taste it. You’re the first one.
SZ: (happy)

This is the third reference to the title. For them, it’s the first taste of love, literally and metaphorically.

She offers to do the dishes because he made their lunch. He puts his apron on her. He touches her long hair and pulls it to the side so it won’t snag on her apron. She feels self-conscious because he’s right behind her. It probably feels like a back hug.

DJ: Do you know how to do housework? Why don’t I take over?
SZ: I’ll learn after a few tries.
DJ: Why do you need to learn? I never said you have to learn.
SZ: I can’t let you do everything yourself in the future. (stopping) I am thinking too far ahead.

She finds it awkward that she just assumed that they’d spend a lot of time in domestic harmony in his apartment. Lol. It’s truly first love when doing the dishes is romantic.

DJ: I know. So after this, do you want to chat with me or rest a while.
SZ: I haven’t finished studying.
DJ: You’ll study? Aren’t you sleepy? Take a nap.

She insists on studying and explains that she’s hoping to get a scholarship. He agrees.

My comments:

a. He arranged her hair like it was a most natural thing for him to do. His action reminded me of the time when he wanted to touch her hair, but she suddenly turned around, so he pulled away his hand. Judging from her reaction now, it was a good thing that he didn’t pet her hair back then. She would’ve been startled.

b. Despite his casual gesture, she was nervous. That’s probably because she was overly sensitive to his touch, and it felt like he was caressing her. This reminded me of the scene in the hospital when she washed his face. That action could have been done in a cursory manner. But since she was observing his face, it felt like she was stroking him.

c. I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt that hair touching was a form of physical intimacy.

4. Nervousness #3

She’s afraid to be caught napping by Jiaxu so she pretends to be studying on the floor. He knows right away that something’s up.

DJ: What are you doing?
SZ: I am memorizing vocabulary.
DJ: Why are you doing on the floor?
SZ: This is more exciting so I won’t feel sleepy.
DJ: Exciting?

She realizes that’s a slip-of-the-tongue. It seems like she’s looking for excitement — and stimulus — rather than peace and quiet to help her study. Of course, Jiaxu doesn’t pass up the chance to tease her.

He lies down on the bed with her. Personally, I was cringing at his rogue act. I think the actor’s been watching too many dramas with seduction scenes.

DJ: Do you like excitement? Then let’s make it exciting.

She isn’t looking at his eyes. She’s looking at his lips.

Same here. What’s he looking at?

I knew this was heavy stuff but this was reaction in a gif:

SZ: (pushing him off her) Duan Jiaxu, why are you being so naughty?
DJ: Hey. We’re already together. How can it be called naughty?
SZ: (not answering)

My comments:

a. She called him by his full name. Remember when he made a fuss about that? Well, they’re dating now.

b. Remember her nervousness. She shoved him because she was tempted to give in to Jiaxu, and not because she didn’t like it. Unfortunately for Jiaxu, she has this inhibition ingrained in her after years of hiding her feelings from him. It’s her natural defense because she can’t reveal that she’s been infatuated with him for years.

He pulls her down.

DJ: Tell me. How did you end up on the floor?
SZ: I was studying. Then I got sleepy and wanted to nap. But I was adamant earlier about studying. I…if you saw me sleeping, I was afraid you would think I was ignoring you.
DJ: I’m not that petty. Take a nap. I’ll wake you up later.

He fixes the bed for her.

SZ: But won’t you feel bored?
DJ: A little bit. But I’m already happy tha you came here to study. Take your nap now.
SZ: (holding him back)

DJ: What’s the matter?
SZ: Jiaxu Ge. It’s not that I don’t like you being like this. It’s because I get nervous when you get close to me. I don’t know why either. So…I just want to tell you that it’s not that I don’t like you.
DJ: (kneeling in front of her) That means you like me.
SZ: Well…I just don’t like being too…(looking at the bed)
DJ: I get it. If so, we’ll see how it goes. Take your nap.

My comments:

a. She’s trying to tell him that she isn’t normally prudish and bashful. She’s typically a demonstrative person. But whenever he gets close to her, she’s skittish as a horse.

b. However, she’s using the “it’s not you, it’s me” defense. He shouldn’t feel rejected; she’s taking the blame for her awkwardness.

c. But he says that he gets that her nervousness and confusion are due to the newness of their relationship. This is the first time for them both. And to him, they’re proof that she likes him. She isn’t immune to him.

d. He’s telling her not to worry. They’ll wait and see how things develop before worrying about the physical intimacy.

5. Nervousness #4

On the walk home, Jiaxu tries another approach with her. She offers him candy. At first, he says she should eat it. Then he changes his mind.

DJ: Maybe I should have one.
SZ: What flavor do you want?
DJ: Any flavor will do.

She puts one in his palm and then he grabs hold of her fingers. He asks permission.

DJ: Giving candy or holding hands?
SZ: (not answering)

He doesn’t release her fingers. He steps in closer and asks her again.

DJ: Holding hands or holding hands?

I checked Youku. This wasn’t an error in translation. He’s giving her no choice.

SZ: (not answering)
DJ: Well, holding hands it is.

SZ: Why are you asking this so seriously?
DJ: Can I hold your hand?

SZ smiles then nods her head. He holds her hand and they walk together as a couple.

Strictly speaking, they held hands before: when they cut her birthday cake together on her birthday, when he held her hand and kissed her on his birthday and when he tugged her back to bed earlier and when she held him back to explain about her nervousness.

But this is the first time they’re holding hands, palm to palm.

DJ: Have you been applying for internship?
SZ: Yes. I’ve sent my resume to several companies, but I haven’t received any replies.
DJ: Why do you suddenly want an internship?
SZ: Uhmm…Well…(looking at him) I want to give it a try.
DJ: (he understood her meaning) Thank you.

He thanks her because he understands that he’s the reason she’s staying. He gets the “undercurrent” (the title of episode 9). She wants to stay and make their relationship work. If she’s back home in Nanwu, then there’s “distance” between them again (the title of episode 6).

SZ: Jiaxu Ge. When people hold hands, they either do it when crossing the street or by accident. No one would do what you did and ask to hold hands. That was so strange!
DJ: I chose to do that because I made you upset when I kissed you without asking.

My comments:

a. The kiss he’s talking about is the air kiss in Episode 18. Remember? Sang Zhi was upset because she thought that he’d stolen a kiss from her and pretended not to know what he was doing.

b. Strictly speaking, Jiaxu’s lips didn’t touch her cheek that time. But he didn’t bother to correct her misperception because he didn’t want to embarrass her. She was so sure that he stole a kiss from her that to set the record straight would only lead to her bruised ego.

c. This is NOT the first time that Jiaxu Ge let a lie (or a myth) persist in order to save her face. In Episode 18, he also wasn’t being truthful. Sang Zhi confessed that she liked him “maybe just a LITTE bit.” When she wondered why he wasn’t surprised by her admission, he pointed out that she didn’t like him enough to want to date him. He twisted the truth because he didn’t want to reveal that he already knew that she liked him.

d. I think there’s pattern here. Jiaxu doesn’t lie to save his own skin. He fudges the truth to avoid hurting Sang Zhi’s pride.

SZ: I wasn’t upset. I was… nervous.
DJ: I know. Now, you suddenly became my girlfriend. Do you find it hard to get used to?
SZ: Not at all. Don’t imagine things!

Jiaxu knows that she’s lying here to save face. She doesn’t find it easy to adjust to their new relationship status. For instance, she feels jealous over little things. She’s reluctant to be alone with him in his apartment. She’s jittery whenever he enters her personal space. She’s super-sensitive to his feelings. She overthinks their relationship.

SZ: Have I not told you this?
DJ: Hmmm?
SZ: I really like you. (looking at him) I do like you a lot.
DJ: (kissing her forehead) Me too. I like you a lot.

My comments:

a. Here’s my explanation of the kiss from the Kiss List write-up.

After SZ confesses to DJ that she really likes him “a lot,” he gives her a forehead kiss. I think, @agdr03, the forehead kiss is a sign of gratitude because DJ understands that this is a huge step for her to expose herself and reveal her hidden feelings for him for the first time. He’s moved by her confession, so he kisses her on the forehead kiss. He wants her to know that a) he treasures her sincerity and that b) she has nothing to be anxious about because he too returns her feelings. He likes her a lot, too.

b. Yes, a forehead kiss is a chaste kiss. It’s a kiss that demonstrates emotional intimacy rather than sexual desire. To me, a forehead kiss is the least seductive kiss of all, but it’s certainly the most tender.

c. Since Sang Zhi already told him that she was nervous about the skinship, I thought it was appropriate — and sweet of him — to kiss her head. All her worries, anxieties, and nervousness originated from her head.

🙂

I don’t think I need to explain the roller skates. Besides, I’m sleepy. Good night.