Episode 5 Title: Whatever it is you want, I can’t give it to you.

In media res. I’m beginning in the middle of things.

1. The 100 Facts Questionnaire.
Remember those sticky notes that JiHo and SeeHee, the lead couple in Because This is My First Life (BTIMFL), left for each other when they became housemates? (ha! Mental sticky note for me: Write about BTIMFL.)

I consider those sticky notes and this 100 Facts Questionnaire as substitutes for love letters in the kdrama.

For me, at the heart of any love letter is sincerity. When the writer declares himself sincerely to the reader, he takes a big risk in exposing his feelings. In response, the reader feels cherished because she understands that he is entrusting her with his sincerest feelings. In a love letter, there’s a privilege bestowed and accepted.

That’s why Yoon-Yi was thrilled to receive Chi-Won’s questionnaire. She didn’t realize it YET but she delighted in reading his answers, very much like a girl who received a love declaration in writing. And for a brief moment, she and CW were connected mentally. While reading the questionnaire, she could easily have been transported in time and space, and been sitting in a cozy nook in an Italian trattoria or strolling leisurely in a lavender field in Provence…with him. He didn’t have to be physically present, in the flesh, beside her, for him to linger in front of her. She was imagining him with her all the time. They were attuned to each other.

That’s mainly the reason I loved the cinematography here. I enjoyed how the director juxtaposed their words and actions to create the impression that they were talking and responding to each other.

She’s on a creaky bus and she’s smiling.
YY: Future goal.
CW: To own a comic book store.
YY: That’s unexpected. (She doesn’t know where he goes off to during his lunch break) Favorite movie.
CW: “Home Alone”
YY: That’s so not him. (lol. It is SOOO him. He likes being alone. Plus, when he was little, he was left alone in that burning house and he could have died if his uncle didn’t save him. Was that uncle a blood-relation or merely an uncle-figure? Why did he visit his uncle’s memorial site on the same day as YY’s father’s memorial service?)
CW’s driving a car alone.
YY: Most embarrassing moment. (She looks outside the bus window with an annoyed look.)
CW: The first time I met my assistant. (He looks outside his car window with a bland face. He seems to be daring her to have a witty comeback. Note: I think he wrote this deliberately to rile her.)
He gets out of the car to stride hurriedly home; she walks alone, not paying attention to her surroundings.
YY: What do you hear most from other people?
CW: Annoying. Doesn’t talk. Difficult to read. (His face is emotionless.)
YY: That’s right. You got it. (She talks in a teasing voice. The mean words don’t hurt as much because she’s cajoling him.)
She gargles in the bathroom and he’s lounging while reading.
CW: First love?
YY: During 8th grade. Waitress at a snack shop.
CW: What’s this? He likes older women? Was his ex-wife older too?
(I think he had erased anything from the questionnaire that could be misconstrued as referring to his ex-wife.)
YY: First kiss?
CW: It was nice. (He smiles playfully.)
YY: Huh? When, where, how, and with whom? That’s what matters.
(lol. He knew when he was writing his response that she was going to be frustrated with this answer. He even erased his answer to the question: His first time: Short and intense.)
He takes off his panther slippers. Both YY and CW are shown in bed in a split-screen. Look at the difference in their sleeping habits. He’s meticulous. Under blanket. Neat. Uncluttered. Bedside lamp. Pillows under head. She’s haphazard. On top of blanket. Messy. Daybed. Overhead lighting. Pillows for her head and legs.
YY: When do you feel pathetic?
CW: When I say things I don’t mean.
YY: Me, too. If you could go back to any time in the past?
CW: To before I was born. (uh.oh. I know YY and CW aren’t long-lost siblings. Nonetheless, this sounds ominous.)
YY: Last statement for your fans.
CW: Whatever it is you want, I can’t give it to you. (He doesn’t say this aloud. Instead, his response is written out – like on the mug.)

What interests me about this questionnaire scene is the irony.

It was meant to be a TALISMAN. CW found YY’s “interest” in him bothersome because he considered it “meddling.” So, Yul gave him the list of 100 questions posted at a kpop idol fan website, saying that if CW filled this out and gave it to the lady who was interested in him, “It’ll be game over.” In this sense, the questionnaire was supposed to act as a talisman to stop or ward off the “evil” or YY’s annoying interest in him. Game over! CW intended to stave YY off, and to fend against her unwanted attention. He wanted to end her perpetual meddling and information-gathering on him (i.e., constantly spying on him, and even going through his trash).

That’s why his final words were to his “fan” aka YY, were: Whatever it is you want, I can’t give it to you.

But in completing the questionnaire, the opposite happened. Instead of putting an end to the “meddling” and “interest”, the questionnaire generated a closer understanding. It acted like a CHARM. As I said earlier, it felt like sending and receiving a love letter. He was writing it while focused on her reaction. He wrote it with her in mind, e.g., most embarrassing situation: meeting his assistant. He didn’t realize it but he was giving in to her. Whatever it was that YY wanted, he would end up unwittingly giving it to her.

2. Calling Secretary Wang “Wangbi” or “queen” – ugh. This is kdrama. But in real life, Yul is setting himself up for sexual harassment suit here. Big time. But I’m not commenting about this.

3. Cactus. lol. Kdrama 101: office prop as a representative of the budding romance. This reminds me of that onion pet in “She Was Pretty.” The hero gave the girl, his office minion, an onion as cure for her cold. (Bah! People thought he was romantic; I thought he was such a cheapskate. I would have given my secretary Tylenol, roses, and a pot of chicken soup.) The idiotic girl drew a smiley face on it then kept it on her desk as a reminder of his “thoughtfulness.”

In this kdrama, the symbolic office prop of their relationship is the cactus. YY gives her boss a cactus with a self-deprecating note, “I’ll grow on my own without your care.”

It’s funny then that, despite the cactus being touted as low-maintenance, both YY and CW fuss about it like it was a precious pet with joint ownership. YY wants the cactus to face the window to receive the best sunlight exposure. But CW turns the plant toward him because he secretly prefers to see the message and the cactus, so the card ends up blocking the sunlight.

It can be said that the cactus is self-referential but it’s too early to tell whether it’s meant to represent YY or CW. On one hand, YY is like the cactus. She can do her job competently as a PA with little guidance from CW.

On the other hand, CW is the prickly one in that office, and he’s the one who wants to present an image to the world that he needs no one to get his job done. He was surely prickly when YY caught him re-positioning the cactus. Then, when she thanked him for the questionnaire, he brushed it off. When she tried to invite him to lunch and dinner, he declined too. Defensively, he explained that he had prior commitments. Then when she asked for his schedule, he pointedly reminded her of that 100th fact that whatever it was she wanted, he couldn’t give it to her.

Really! He just couldn’t seem to make up his mind whether to be nice or mean to her. It must be frustrating to be YY when his actions and responses teeter-tottered between spite and thoughtfulness. And just when it seemed like he had gotten the last word, he relented again and left the door ajar as she had requested him to do so.

4. Door. Another Kdrama 101: office doors as symbol. He left it ajar as she’d requested.

So much not giving in to her demands! Slowly but surely, he’s acquiescing to her appeals. The pencils, going to drinks with Cho, pouring her a drink, the door…

Now, there are two things I like about this door scene.

One is how the light-hearted music matches the bubbliness of YY. Even a bitch like me find YY’s chirpiness (and the actress’s cuteness) hard to resist. The bouncy tune adds to the general feeling of lightness and rapport.

Two is how CW often ends up retracting and regretting his words. He intended to be prickly here. He wanted her to her his stern side and to deny her the satisfaction of hearing him say thanks. YY was right that he was stingy with his expressions of thankfulness. He admonished her that “silence” was important in their job.

Later on, he realized that “silence” was not a good enough answer. When he was having drinks with Yul and Yul asked him whether the questionnaire was for YY, he answered with silence. Yul correctly interpreted it as a yes. But when Yul asked him again whether he could steal YY away from him, his silence could have been misinterpreted as an assent as well. Fortunately, Yul was perceptive enough to correctly understand his nonresponse as a refusal.

So silence is NOT the all-important element in their job after all. CW can often be smug

5. What bet? CW ended up drunk while Yul was sober so I wonder what drinking game did the two guys play that resulted in CW losing (how many times?) badly to Yul?

6. Sleeping outside his house? I’m sorry but this was bad writing. She was supposedly scared of the intruder coming back, and she chose to sleep out-in-the-open instead of safely inside her locked house? Nope. Stupid writing.

And scratch on his arm? Another implausible writing. His sweater had no tear. I know it’s another Kdrama trope: the injured lover gets nursed by the beloved, but that whole dialogue was clichéd. Why did she have to reassure him that he “won” the fight like winning would be an ego-boost for him? He was a grown man for heaven’s sakes.

7. The office mug. It was perceptive of YY to notice that he didn’t have an office mug, and he was making his coffee using a small paper cup. I like what she wrote on it, “Whatever it is you want, you will be able to get it.”

I like it because the emphasis is different. It’s consistent with the cactus. With CW’s version, “Whatever it is you want, I can’t give it to you,” the implication is impotence, and a reliance on somebody else who cannot or will not deliver. With YY’s version, “Whatever it is you want, you will be able to get it,” the action is proactive and self-reliant. You can make things happen, instead of waiting for them to happen or to be given to you.