Please come back later. This is a work in progress.

Heads-up: if I begin posting with a password, it means one of two things:

a. I haven’t finished writing my opinions down and I’m still taking screenshots. The password will be removed later.
b. I’m tired of noises. The password won’t be removed, and I’m granting access only to those I like to chat with.

Yeah. I’m bitchy, petty, grouchy, prissy, clique-y. Pick your poison.

If I could, I’d like to shut this whole blog down.

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Chapter 12. Courage. If I could
Featured Object: Airplane

I’m using the Netflix subs for the dialogues.

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A. On Courage

If Sang Zhi and Duan Jiaxu had the courage, there were words they wanted to say to say to each other.

1. Sang Zhi’s words

She needed courage from alcohol. In vino veritas, as the dictum says.

SZ: Gege.
DJ: Mmm?
SZ: I have a secret. A secret that I’ve been hiding in my heart.
DJ: Do you want to tell me?
SZ: Well. There is someone that I really like. But he just doesn’t like me.
DJ: Who is it?
SZ: I can’t tell you.
DJ: Not even me?
SZ: Mmm. Zhizhi is so sad. Zhizhi is so sad.
DJ: Is that because of the person you like?
SZ: Mmm.
DJ: Are you sure you can’t tell me who it is?
SZ: (shaking her head)
DJ: Then tell me what kind of person he is. Does he treat you well? You can tell me that much, right?
SZ: He is…he is…
DJ: What?
SZ: (tear falling, she looks at him) I don’t know how to put it into words.
DJ: What do you mean?
SZ: He’s really nice. He’s also really nice to me. But he’s nice to everyone. He’s nice to everybody! (crying) He’s a ladies’ man.
DJ: So he has made you so heartbroken. If he is someone like that, stop liking him. Can you do that?
SZ: (sobbing, not answering him)

My comments:

a. Can we applaud the actors? It must have been emotionally exhausting to do multiple takes of this scene. You could tell by counting the different ways her nose was resting on his shoulder. Lol. The director had to shoot the scene from different angles to show his-and-hers reactions. Then, the film editor spliced the footages to create one long sequence.

b. Sang Zhi was drunk-talking. Nevertheless, she kept her wits about her and didn’t accidentally let it slip that she was crushing on him. Me? At 18, I would have blabbered the whole truth when intoxicated.

c. I find it interesting that he had thought of calling her “Zhizhi” even before he heard her call herself by that name. Her dormroom friends called her “Sang Sang” and her brother called her, “Little demon.”

d. On one hand, I find it ridiculous that she called him a “ladies’ man” when she could count with one hand the number of times, she’d seen him with a woman. By definition, a ladies’ man is somebody who enjoys the company and attention of women. But she’d seen Jiaxu in the company of three women: the injured girl at sports day, the woman at the airport, and the psycho woman who water-slapped him. But on the other hand, I understand it. That image of Jiaxu helping a classmate at sports day clearly made a big impression on her, and impressions don’t often get revisited for veracity.

e. We can discern Jiaxu’s reactions to Sang Zhi’s revelation evolving. When she first confessed that she liked somebody, he tried to appear neutral and dispassionate. He was pretending that he didn’t mind hearing her secret because he was just an “older brother.” It was a matter of self-preservation, too. He wanted to insulate himself from her bad news since he had feelings for her.

Once he learned that she was sad because of this mystery guy, he went on protective mode. His primary concern was no longer about HIS feelings, but HER feelings. He didn’t care about the identity of the mystery guy anymore; he only cared whether the mystery guy treated her well. Then, since he couldn’t beat up (lol) the mystery guy himself for making Sang Zhi cry, he advised her to summon the courage to stop liking the guy.

2. Duan Jiaxu’s words

As for Duan Jiaxu, he only had courage to share his thoughts and feelings when he knew that she couldn’t hear him.

Here’s the Netflix subs.

DJ: Sang Zhi.
SZ: (no answer)
DJ: So that’s the kind of guy you like. Why don’t I become like him? And I’ll be nice to you alone. That way, our Sang Zhi probably won’t be so sad anymore. Letting someone else take care of you doesn’t put me at ease at all. If you don’t say anything, I’ll take it as a yes. My situation has improved. I’ve paid all my debts. I have a pretty great personality. The only thing is that I’m a bit older than you. When I was 21, you already thought I was old. Now, rounding up, you’re almost 20. Sang Zhi is a grown-up now.
DJ: (he moves to touch her cheek then stops himself)
DJ: What am I doing?

My comments:

I’ll break this down.

“So that’s the kind of guy you like.”

Sang Zhi said that the guy she liked was “really nice” to her. When he reflected on how he behaved towards Sang Zhi ever since they met again (e.g., scolding her, lecturing her, teasing her about marriage without considering her feelings), he knew he would be the last person on earth she would describe as “really nice.”

Moreover, when he picked her up from the bar, she was implicitly protesting his overbearing ways. She was angry at him for curtailing her fun. She insisted, “I’m an adult. I’m a grown-up. Why can’t I visit a bar?…Why can’t I be here when I’m an adult?” Then she pointed out, “You said so. You told me that when I grow up, I can do what I want. But now I’ve grown up. I’m already an adult. But there are still many things that I can’t do. Or maybe I’m afraid to do them.” He knew she considered him a major hindrance.

“Why don’t I become like him?”

In the Youku subs, he said, “Is it okay if I become like him?”

He was presenting himself as a better alternative. If I were to match this with the title and main theme of this episode, I would have written this as “Could I become like him?”

More on this later.

“And I’ll be nice to you alone.”

This is nuanced. He knew that he couldn’t be “nice” to her all the time. He was bound to scold, nag, and tease her in the future; he couldn’t help it. But he could guarantee that he would only have eyes for her. Sang Zhi would never need to worry that he would be a ladies’ man.

The reason he could be sure of himself is that for the past years, she had been the only female on his mind.

“That way, our Sang Zhi probably won’t be so sad anymore.”

This is cute. On the surface, he’s offering to be her guy so SHE would no longer be sad. But subconsciously, he would like her to consider him so HE would no longer be sad, too. It’s a win-win situation.

“Letting someone else take care of you doesn’t put me at ease at all.”

This is an understatement. Sure, this could be interpreted as jealousy. He didn’t feel at ease with her having a boyfriend because he was jealous. But I think it’s more than that. Look: if Sang Zhi liked somebody and began dating the lucky guy, he knew he had no choice but to accept the situation. What could he do? It’s the boyfriend’s prerogative/privilege/responsibility to take care of her. However, it’s been his prerogative/privilege/responsibility to take care of her all this time. If truth be told, he did a better job taking care of her than her own brother (e.g., showing up at the teacher conference, dealing with her “feminine” accident, teaching her physics, handling the “online boyfriend”)

Of course, given their history together, he wouldn’t feel at ease yielding to another guy

“If you don’t say anything, I’ll take it as a yes.”

Silent is consent? He wished! Ha! He knew he couldn’t say this to her if she had been awake. Thus, he was taking this opportunity to say the words he had NO COURAGE to tell her.

“My situation has improved. I’ve paid all my debts. I have a pretty great personality.”

He was pitching himself to her while she was sleeping because he had no confidence to tell all this when she was awake. Note here: he didn’t mention the psycho girl.

“The only thing is that I’m a bit older than you. When I was 21, you already thought I was old. Now, rounding up, you’re almost 20. Sang Zhi is a grown-up now.”

For him, that was the major stumbling block FOR Sang Zhi. She couldn’t get past the age issue. Of course, he was mistaken. He didn’t get that she would only mock HIS age to retaliate because she was hurt that he would bring up HER age.

“What am I doing?”

Again, two interpretations. The obvious one is obvious.

The alternative one is this: he realized it was silly to engage in this wishful thinking/confession-in-the-car when he knew that she was asleep and couldn’t hear a word he was saying. He had better luck making things right for her so she wouldn’t be sad anymore when she was awake.

The thing with Jiaxu is that he might be 5 years older than her but he was a pretty sensitive and empathic sort of guy.

B. If I could

This isn’t grammar class, so I’ll make this quick. I think there are three ways to interpret this.

1. He’s expressing a desire.

Like this, “If I could be your secret love, then I would treat you better. I would do X, Y, and Z for you.”

He wants her to know that he will do things differently for her.

2. He’s stating an impossibility.

Like this, “If I could, I’d really really really like to be your ‘special someone.’ But I’m sure you would find that idea grotesque.”

But he thinks it’s impossible to be considered in the running for boyfriend status because she sees him as nothing more than Gege and she’s already in love with somebody.

3. He’s asking for her permission.

Like this, “Could I be your boyfriend? I realize that you only see me as your Gege. However, if you would reconsider and decide to take me as your boyfriend, then I would be eternally grateful to you, and you would be my goddess forever.”

I’m inclined to go with this third option just because.

C. The airplane

I can’t think of airplanes right now. I’m tired of airplanes.

Will edit and finish this later.

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Update: 8/8/2023. Got too lazy to edit this. I wrote about the airplane here:

Hidden Love: Ep 12 On Airplanes

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Updated: 8/21/2023. Found some gifs.

source: ahsung’s tumblr

credit: ahsung’s tumblr