Isn’t it interesting that all other characters, except Tian Qi, have somebody to confide in? Ning’er has her older brother; Ji Zheng has his attendant and his older brother; and our hero Ji Heng has his steward Mr. Sheng. Who does Tian Qi have in her corner? She has an aunt, but she rarely sees her since her aunt lives in the brothel and Ji Heng doesn’t want her going there.

I was about to skip this scene when she had an inner dialogue with her conscience, but I realized that I couldn’t explain Episode 17 without putting this scene into context first.

So here I am backtracking to this scene.

She was reflecting on Mr. Sheng’s words. He had scolded her for her treatment of General Ji, “Recently, you show him respect on the surface but treat him coldly. And he also feels guilty because he punished you. He’s upset because of you. But do you know? He offended the Sun family. How will he be treated in the future?”

Then her superego, the grown-up ZhaoEr, materialized. ZhaoEr represented her moralizing conscience. She pointed out Tian Qi’s inconsistent actions.

ZhaoEr: You keep avoiding the General because you don’t understand him? Or for other reasons?
TQ: There’s no other reason.
ZhaoEr: You thought he would seek revenge for you. You thought he wouldn’t punish you. You thought you never relied on him. You thought you had no hope for him. When you found out that you have expectations from him, you figured it out and you started to fear.

Here, TQ’s inner self was telling her that she had fallen in love Ji Heng. She had already “figured out” her real feelings but was denying it out of fear.

Her superego ZhaoEr also drew attention to her dependence on Ji Heng. She didn’t use to rely on him. But now, she had come to expect things from him, e.g., to seek revenge for her, to show a partiality for her, and to hold back from punishing her. She assumed he’d do these for her because she viewed him as her Knight in Shining Armor. She had fallen for him.

And this was obvious in Episode 15 when she and Ji Zheng were walking in the market. She was asked how she viewed General Ji. Other girls in town wanted to marry him, did she feel the same way? She replied without self-consciousness, “I think General J is the most honorable man. So I’m not surprised that so many girls like him. Besides his position, he’s also good-looking and well-built. He can be enjoyed even when he’s just standing there. If girls don’t like him, they aren’t normal.” Ji Zheng reminded her that she was a girl, too, so what did she think? She waved at her body and said that she was now a man.

Now, her superego ZhaoEr was determined that she faced the truth about her feelings for Ji Heng.

TQ: Why would I fear?
ZhaoEr: You fell in love. But you don’t deserve to love anyone. You refused Marquis Marvel and said you just want to focus on what you should do. But you can’t tell it to General J.

True. It was possible for Tian Qi to refuse Ji Zheng and his assistance because she wasn’t in love with him. But she couldn’t do that to Ji Heng. If he offered his help, she would gladly accept it. Again in Episode 15, we saw that. She smiled contently when Ji Heng *said* that she was his man. But she didn’t decline the jade from Ji Zheng and had to be forced into accepting it because accepting the jade meant that she was Ji Zheng’s man.

With Ji Zheng:

With Ji Heng:

Did you see the difference?

Although Ji Zheng presented her with a solid and TANGIBLE token of his protection and Ji Heng could only give a VERBAL assurance, she preferred Ji Heng’s protection over Ji Zheng.

Her conscience ZhaoEr was forcing her to acknowledge the difference in her feelings for the two brothers.

TQ: Marquis Marvel and I are just friends. General J is my lord. Don’t talk nonsense.
ZhaoEr: Really, just friends? Marquis Marvel is protecting you, caring for you, he has expectations from you. Do you really thing you’re just ordinary friends?
TQ: I appreciate him. I want to repay him. But it’s all because he’s my friend.
ZhaoEr: I believe you because now in your heart, there’s only one you really love. That’s General J.

Meaning, in her interaction with Ji Zheng, TQ had neither been insincere nor conniving. She was grateful for his kindness towards her and she wanted to *repay* him so she didn’t owe him any favor. For me, the word “repay” was revealing. She didn’t want to be OBLIGATED to him. She would pay back any favor he bestowed on her because she didn’t think it was right of her to impose on him or demand favors from him.]

Again, her attitude with Ji Zheng contrasted with her relationship with Ji Heng. She had pride. But whenever she was with Ji Heng, she threw her pride out the window. She didn’t mind behaving shamelessly, and losing her pride over him. With him, she was willing to suck up, and fawn over him.

And now, we’re getting a different INSIGHT on her cringy obsequiousness. Her over-the-top praises were actually a sign of her growing affection for Ji Heng. She didn’t mind sounding like the court jester as long as she could make him smile or distract him from his serious work with her antics. She had found another way of leaving her mark on him; she’d always tried to be useful to him, first as his bait for the murderer, then as his physician, then as his “Royal Fan” (literally and metaphorically), then as sleeping aide, and now as his happy pill.

But this changed when he told her to kneel down for protesting Sun Congrui. She realized then that he wasn’t going to be her Knight in Shining Armor. And she retreated from him afterwards. She kept him at arm’s length, blaming herself for misreading his VERBAL declaration that she was his man.

ZhaoEr: (continuing) You avoid him, you treat him coldly. It’s all because you’re blaming yourself. Right?
TQ: No, that’s not true. I don’t like him. I don’t like General J.

She was in full denial here. She couldn’t like him because he didn’t stand up for her.

TQ: (continuing) No. I can’t like him. I won’t like him. And I won’t like anyone. I came to mansion J just to revenge my parents. Ji Heng? He’s just the one I use. It won’t be him. I’ll never like him. (cries)

At this point then, Mr Sheng’s admonition to think also of Ji Heng was basically ignored. According to him, to think of the needs of people first is righteousness but to think of the needs of General J first is loyalty. However, in Tian Qi’s mind, it went beyond mere loyalty.

Putting the needs of someone first AND above yours was love.

Now that I’ve discussed this, I can move forward to Episode 17. 🙂